Unsolicited Dating Advice: Profile Photos

There has already been a lot said about profile photos. Everyone has an opinion. And, so do I. Whatever floats your boat, friend. If one of your favorite memories is catching that 50 lb. trout/bass/tuna/gilled-animal, then share it. If your favorite part of the day is staring at your topless self in the bathroom mirror, let people know. What’s important is to remember that this is an opportunity to showcase yourself and your interests. Give some thought to what you’re presenting to potential matches. And, remember, the world is small. Your grandma’s care nurse’s dog psychic has seen - and is prepared to share - your photos.

Here are four fake names but real photos that my mind refuses to forget:

1) Brad is shirtless. His belt is undone and the zipper on his jeans is down. He’s in the laundry room leaning seductively over an open dryer. He’s making eye contact with me. Is dating him as warm and comforting as pulling on a toasty pair of pants straight out of the dryer? Does laundry turn him on? Why does he dry his belt along with his pants? Or does he loop the belt through before zipping his pants up? If so, is this something I should be doing?

2) Dirk is wearing only tighty whities. It’s dark. He’s in a clearing in the woods, crouched, knees splayed, on a sheet of plastic. He is holding a knife. His body is covered in camo paint and he’s screaming. Dirk loves nature and haunting your dreams? (I saved a screenshot of this photo for a few weeks, just in case a relevant police tip line opened up.)

3) Maude, we can assume, had been working out in her dingy once-white sports bra when a fight broke out between her and her husband. Angry and seeking revenge, she stomped into their suburban garage, leaned against their Toyota Sienna and snapped a selfie. Sweaty, and looking aggressively at the camera, she has pulled one strap of her sports bra down freeing just one naked boob.

4) Doug has opted for black and white professional photography. He is siting on a bed in a stark room wearing heels, fishnet stockings and a large, full body mushroom costume. There is a small oval cutout for his face. He has nice legs. Is Doug a doer? Is he someone who wakes up from a strange dream/acid trip and says “Let’s make this a reality”? Or is this just another Monday?

With the exception of Dirk’s wilderness homicide confessional, none of these photos are bad. As I said, they’re all memorable. Maude is cutting through the small talk - she wants angry minivan sex and she wants it now. Doug and Brad have great conversation starters. I would have had drinks with either of them. “Doug seems weird,” you say. Yes, but there are other weird people out there. I prefer to wait until date three or four before revealing that a friend and I have discussed dressing up like Alice in Wonderland characters and running around the forest messing with innocent hikers’ minds. Doug has a more straight-forward approach.

That’s what all your photos should show - confidence. This is who I am. And, I’m pretty great. Not, here are five photos of who I was in 2005. And, one distant photo of me today wearing a hat, sunglasses and a mask sandwiched somewhere between several other people wearing hats, sunglasses and masks. We all looked better in 2005. Whether you’ve lost hair, muscle tone, or general faith in humanity… that’s OK. Embrace the current you.